011516

On this day last year, I welcomed the day with tears in my eyes, clutching my pen as I wrote about the pain of losing you. I poured everything on my paper, but the pages of my notebook weren’t enough to describe how much I was aching to have even just a final conversation to you. It had had been months; but I have prayed to the gods to please, just please, let me be with you one last time, let me see the smile on your eyes and the touch the softness of your hand and run my fingers on the smoothness of your hair.

But see? No matter how much I grit my teeth on my blanket and wet my pillow with tears and scream your name to the moon, you never came back. The heavens did not grant my pathetic wish. I was alone and lonely, and yes, I was lost and I wandered around to different places. I wandered around because I had to do that! How else can I cope aside from wandering and thinking even if it hurts, until it hurts no more? I wandered and found myself in new, unfamiliar places. I’ve been in uncharted territories that I’ve never explored before.

I was lost, yes, but in losing my path I have found pieces of myself. I lost you, but I have found myself again. I have lost your love, but I regained something: my love for myself.

Today, on this very day that started all my happiness and pain from you, I shall sleep with a smile on my lips because, look how I have finally gotten over you! I shall close my eyes contentedly and happily because there is no bitterness in my heart, only acceptance of everything that has happened. You are no longer a chaos in my mind and a poison in my veins, because you, darling, are a lesson. I am thankful that the heavens did not listen to my pleas because how else could I have learned this much if the Universe brought you back to me?

I will tell you a secret: sometimes you have to experience the most piercing pain and get the deepest scars in order to be stronger. Only when you have undergone the earth-shaking challenges can you finally reach your crossroads.

And I have reached mine. I made my choices. I have long learned that happiness is a form of courage; and I want to be strong. I have decided to learn from my mistakes, and to be courageous enough to take a step towards my happiness. I shall build myself and grow, rather than stay rooted in my fears and be stagnant.

I know that I am in a better place now, that I am stronger, that my light shall burn brighter. Thank you for being a colorful chapter in my book, but I shall get on with the rest of my awesome story.

—ibcn, 011516